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Humor
The Punishment Should Fit The Crime
Submitted by: Kevin Brown

This is a true story: A defense attorney, new to the practice, did not think he could get his client off the charge of theft since there was plenty of witnesses and even a video tape. In a desperate bide he claimed that since the man only used his right arm to reach into the store to grab the stolen items that it would be unfair to punish the entire man. The judge thought about this for a moment. Then in a thick Texas drawl he agreed that it would be unfair to punish the whole man. So he ruled that the man's right arm was sentenced to twenty years and the man could either choose to come with the arm or have it removed. The defendant stood up removed his artificial right arm and walked out of the courtroom a free man.



BIT: A word used to describe computers, as in "Our daughters computer cost quite a bit."

BOOT: What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skill.

BUG: What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: What computer magazine companies do to you after they get you on their mailing list.

CHIPS: The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.

COPY: What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at your computer and not enough time studying.

CURSOR: What you turn into when you can't get your computer too perform, as in "You %@& computer!"

DISK: What goes out of your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.

DUMP: The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer.

ERROR: What you made when you first walked into a computer showroom "just to look."

EXPANSION UNIT: The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.

FILE: What a secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.

FLOPPY: The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see "CHIPS").

HARDWARE: Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.

IBM: The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.

MENU: What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.

MONITOR: Often thought to be a word associated with computers, this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school.

PROGRAMS: Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it.

RETURN: What lots of people do to their computers after only a week and a half.

TERMINAL: A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.

WINDOW: What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.



Three engineers are riding in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car stalls and stops by the side of the road. The three engineers look at each other with bewilderment, wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer, not knowing about mechanics, suggests: "Lets strip down the electronics of the car and try to trace where the fault might have occurred." The chemical engineer, not knowing much about mechanical or electrical things suggests: "Maybe the fuel has become emulsified and is causing a blockage somewhere in the system." The Microsoft engineer suggests: "Why don't we close all the windows, get out , and get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work."

Apple would start with a cute little economy car with a foxtail flying from the antenna. The doors would open when you approach and the windshield wipers would activate when it rains. Eventually Apple would produce a line of eye appealing cars with super-power steering, velvet touch power breaks, climate control, windows that color sync with your mood and plug and play wheels, seats, suitcases and glove compartments. Owners would love it.

Microsoft would buy out some unknown utility car and begin to improve upon it. The first step would be to force a contract on its suppliers that they would only manufacture Microsoft parts. The design team would evolve the car to look like a military transport. It would have 37 gears and 17 brake pedals. Twelve keys slots would give each driver the ability to customize the driving experience. An unlimited number of levers would allow the automatic combining of various break and gear choices into user definable macros. Each wheel would have five customizable shock absorbers and seven disk brakes which could be selected from the dashboard. Every action would have at least six options, five ways of achieving the same results and require at least three extra steps to perform. Users would absolutely hate the car and say derogatory things about it but continue to buy it because everyone else is buying one. Every year the car would get bigger, have more features and take longer to start. People would joke about the future personal car that looks like an aircraft carrier.



All I know about computers I learned from my mom
Author: unknown

For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa
Claus is a real person or not.  Her answer was always "Well, you asked for
the presents and they came, didn't they?"  I finally understood the full
meaning of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual device:
"A software or hardware entity which responds to commands in a manner
indistinguishable from the real device."  Mother was telling me that
Santa Claus is a virtual  person (simulated by loving parents) who
responds to requests from children in a manner indistinguishable from
the real saint.

Mother also taught the IF ... THEN ... ELSE structure:  "If it's
snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise
just wear your shoes."

Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction
processing:   "We'll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them
to make a load, but we'll wash these socks out right now by hand
because you'll need them this afternoon."

Mother taught me about linked lists.  Once, for a birthday party, she
laid  out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling
where to find the next one, and the last one leading to the treasure.
She then gave us the first clue.

Mother understood about parity errors.  When she counted socks after
doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned
when only one sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine.  Later she
applied the principles of redundancy engineering to this problem by
buying our socks three identical p airs at a time.  This greatly
increased the odds of being able to come up with at least one matching
pair.

Mother had all of us children write our Christmas thank you notes to
Grandmother, one after another, on a single large sheet of paper which
was then mailed in a single envelope with a single stamp.  This was
obviously an instance of blocking records in order to save money by
reducing the number of physical I/O operations.

Mother used flags to help her manage the housework.  Whenever she
turned on the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to remind
herself to turn it off again before leaving the house.

Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be
serviced when they have completed any operation.  She had a whistling tea
kettle.

Mother understood about LIFO ordering.  In my lunch bag she put the
dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the napkin on top
so that things would come out in the right order at lunchtime.

There is an old story that God knew He couldn't be physically present
everywhere at once, to show His love for His people, and so He created
mothers.  That is the difference between centralized and distributed
processing.  As any kid who's ever misbehaved at a neighbor's house
finds out, all the mothers in the neighborhood talk to each other.
That's a local area network of distributed processors that can't be
beat.

Mom, you were the best computer teacher I ever had.

General Humor
In prison you get three square meals a day.
At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.

In prison you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise  and mingle.
At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so  your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can  go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep  without his latest Lego creation.

In prison you get to watch TV, cable even.
At home you get to listen to your children fight over the  remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless  cartoons thanks to cable.

In prison you can read whatever you want and attend college  for free.
At home you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane,  and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still  be able to eat for the next twenty years.

In prison all your medical care is free.
At home you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.

In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk  and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.
At home you get to clean for days advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.

In prison you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day.
At home you get to clean your space and everyone else's space, too, and what the heck is free time again?

In prison you get your own personal toilet.
At home you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you're done so you can do something for them. 

In prison the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.
At home you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's, and get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean.

In prison they take take you everywhere you need to go.
At home you take everybody else where they need to go.

In prison the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing.
At home you have to lug around everybody else's stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.

In prison there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you
because you didn't.
At home....stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will you?

Have A Nice Day!

 
Artery.............the study of paintings
Bacteria...........the back door of a cafeteria
Barium.............what doctors do when patients die
Bowel..............a letter like a, e, i, o,or u
Caesarean Section..a neighborhood in Rome
Cat Scan...........searching for kitty
Cauterize..........made eye contact with Hillary
Colic..............a kind of sheep dog
D & C..............where the White House is
Dilate.............to live a long time
Enema..............not a friend
Genital............not Jewish
G.I. Series........a soldier ball game
Hangnail...........coat hook
Impotent...........distinguished, well-known
Labor Pain.........getting hurt at work
Medical Staff......a doctor's cane
Morbid.............a higher offer
Nitrates...........cheaper than day rates
Node...............was aware of
Outpatient.........a person who fainted
Pap Smear..........a fatherhood test
Pelvis.............Elvis Presley's cousin
Post-operative.....a letter carrier
Recovery Room......a place to do upholstery
Rectum.............damn near killed 'em
Seizure............Roman Emperor
Tablet.............a small table
Terminal Illness...D.I.A.
Tumor..............more than one
Urine..............opposite of you're out
Varicose...........nearby
Vein...............conceited

pathological.......the reasonable way to go
head nurse.........Alka Seltzer
pneumonia..........inventive complaining
enteritis..........a penchant for burglary
cortisone..........the justice building
anesthetisc........stalker of bird homes
bandages...........rock groups
red blood count....Dracula
surgery............a reason to get an uninterruptible power supply
antibodies.........things that uncles are familiar with
antibodies.........insects
sterile solution...an option to the elevator
amputation.........when you stick your fingers in the wall
cardiac............someone addicted to poker
fibrillate.........tell lies
ICU................peek-a-boo
organ transplant...time to call the piano movers
botulism...........making mistakes
triple bypass......tricky route on the interstate
triple bypass......better than a quarterback sneak
waiting room.......a heavy space
plaster cast.......free beer backstage
 
FOOD SPOILAGE TABLE
from R R Neuswanger <rrne@loc.gov>

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers
from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the
egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt
is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese.
Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like
regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk
anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already.

FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the
defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be
spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a
kitchen knife.

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a
three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is
spoiled.

LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of
the vegetable crisper without Comet.

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a
basketball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

WINE
It should not taste like salad dressing.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy
undergrowth.

CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the
floor, it has gone bad.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span
of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge
this.
 
DEAR GOD...Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were
inscribed: "The Gate of Heaven". Below that was a small
cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."

Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church
of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord,
please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took
Jesus with them to  Jerusalem.  A young girl answered: "Because
they couldn't get a babysitter."

Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas
cards. "What denomination?"  Asked the clerk.  "Oh, good
heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman.  "Well give me
50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."

Pastor: "This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to
come forward and lay an egg on the altar."

Rev. H.J. Dick, pastor of Emmaus Mennonite Church near
Whitewater, KS, came to the end of a very heavy day at the New
Year's Eve midnight service.  Getting his tongue tangled, he
announced, "Let us now stand and sing, Another Dear is Yawning."

On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and
one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said,
"Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer
replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I
feed it."

During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the
children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and
said: "It means - 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' "

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order.
His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".

I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son
ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a
sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?"
the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied.
My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back
down?"

Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of
a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son
Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God
tells me." Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of
it?"

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I
grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you,"
the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're
one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned
to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say
the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just
say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed
her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all
these people to dinner?"
 
TOP TEN REASONS WHY CYBERSEX IS SO POPULAR

10. It's easy to turn a computer on--just flip the switch.
9. Virtual dancing baby easier to care for than real one.
8. Less threat of Kenneth Starr investigation.
7. No trips to the doctor if you catch a computer virus.
6. The low cost of commitment: only $19.95 in ISP charges.
5. Monitor size doesn't matter.
4. Easier to hide a laptop if someone walks in.
3. You never spend a penny on deodorant, perfume, or Mentos.
2. Everybody assumes "clinton@whitehouse.gov" is just an alias.
1. No need to say, "I have a headache"--just claim you couldn't dial into your AOL account.
 
Do you have a computer related joke or a joke that is just too funny for me to live without hearing? What are you waiting for. Send it to me using this contact form. If it is tasteful and funny I will put it up here.
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October 19, 2017